I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
