I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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