I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
