why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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