My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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