i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
there's paper in my vomit.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
