Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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