He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
