At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just cropdusted the office
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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