that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize