omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
