my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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