Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
