puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
