Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I need a burrito and a hug.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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