Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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