i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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