If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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