My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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