please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
