you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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