I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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