I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
