I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
