i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
