A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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