so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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