um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
