When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
