You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
