I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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