Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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