he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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