Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
