Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
