can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
