After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
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I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
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The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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