Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!