Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
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side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
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You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy