Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
