fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
