The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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