Nicole vs. Life
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
