Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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