I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
