I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
