At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
