he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
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Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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