It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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