My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize