why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Your penis caused this!
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