please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
