Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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