I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
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