Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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