he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
