The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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