I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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