Tell her she can't have a vagina
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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