Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
