i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
