i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
